Personal Crisis

Okay, so it's not a crisis really. It's more of a mental breakdown of sorts, all sorts of built up frustrations that have me feeling pretty low about myself. I have no idea now how long its been that my back has had me laid up. I do know that my hip pain started in July of 2011. That's over a year of pain in my hip. It's been a tough go. About 2 years I lost feeling in my thigh because of a pinched nerve in my hip. My neurologist gently suggested that I should lose some weight. It wasn't so much about being overweight or anything, but I had put on some weight, and she felt that taking that extra weight I had just gained back off, it could help. I couldn't disagree with her...It really was a sound judgement. Seriously, when I was in with the neurologist I had to put all my pride aside to have a proper discussion with her. I didn't want to get defensive. And I sort of already knew that the extra weight could be an issue. But, she approached the subject gently. There was no asking what I weighed. There was no saying my BMI was too high, or that I was overweight or whatever. Just in the routine questions, she asked if I had put on any weight recently. And I told the truth...I had. So, I left and started to work on losing the weight. In 3 months I dropped 30lbs, and after a while I lost the last 10. I increased my exercise, I ate veggies and fixed some parts of my diet. The weight dropped fast. I was actually eating fresh peas that I had found at Costco instead of junk food. It made a huge impact immediately. And when I took the weight off, the feeling came back. She was right! Then my back started up. I have a bulging disk at the L5 vertebrae in my lower back. That is excruciating. Plus I have all the hip troubles still. I found out that I am prone to pinching the nerve like I did a couple years ago, because of a defect in my hip. Then add in the fact that the drop foot is causing all sorts of problems in my mid back because that is where the muscle that is used to lift up the hip is connected. The last year and a half has sucked. I try to suck it up and take as few painkillers as possible, because I don't want to damage any organs. Some days I just want to keep popping the pills to make it stop hurting, but I don't. I try to be responsible about the medications I take. But, some days it just doesn't help. When I'm having those days I forget about the painkillers completely, because if they aren't helping, then why bother? All of this meant that my activity level went down...a lot. I can barely get around a grocery store...actually, I can't get around one without having immense pain by half way. But, I push through. Thanks to the pain, my mood took a nose dive. I try to not let it, but sometimes it can't be helped. I started taking Vitamin D to help, which it does. My mood is improving every day, and slowly but surely I am healing. My final physio appointment in next week. There isn't much more he can do for me. But, thanks to all this I started eating like crap. I mean, sure I eat good meals at dinner that are well balanced and such, but around that...junk. With my antibiotic allergy, I couldn't eat the normal things I liked. So, when I have raw veggies I had no dressing. I love ranch dressing, and I couldn't eat it. Luckily we have now found a recipe for homemade Miracle Whip and homemade Ranch Dressing. It's delicious!! We tried it today and I am in love with it. hehe There are no preservatives, no junk, and it's safe for me to eat. We made the mayo and the dressing in about a half hour. It's so easy. You know what this means? This means I am now on a diet. Yes, you read that right. The person that loathes the word diet is going on one. Now, don't misunderstand the meaning of that, though. When I say diet, it's not the same as other people think. I don't cut out everything. What I do is a strict moderation diet. So, I will make sure that the amount of dressing I have with my veggies is not more than the amount of veggies. I get 2 tablespoons of dressing for a large bowl of veggies. No just doing a huge squirt and eating a tablespoon of dressing on each piece of broccoli. Also, I get to have a treat every day if I want one. If I cut out sweets and things I will fail this diet on the first day. I just can't sit here all day every day eating chips or chocolate. But, I can have a sweet treat at some point during the day. Also, I believe that fat is needed to help the body digest the food. It tells your stomach that it's time to work. But, it has to be good fats. So, we have only butter in the house. But, we moderate the amount. When I make chicken stock, I keep all of that fat in the stock. I only take off any oil that might be in there from any sort of coating I put on the chicken. I don't need the oil. I also drink 2% milk. Since we changed to our higher fat diet, J has lost a fair bit of weight. He can't keep his pants up, and he's lost quite a few inches around his waist. But, like anything else, we moderate. We don't have a cup of butter with our meal. We cook with a small amount of butter mixed in with some oil when we fry. Many of our meals only contain a tablespoon of butter in it. I am definitely going to have to alter my eating, though. I have a fridge full of vegetables and I have a bunch of apples too. All my snacks, except for my one treat a day will be the fruit or the veggies. I need to have about 5-7 servings per day to meet the food guide, so that's the goal. My goal is to lose 50lbs. This is all the weight I have put back on, plus an extra bit to bring me down to a weight that I would prefer. It isn't a "skinny" weight. This is the weight where I always felt the healthiest. The next problem is going to be when and if I can exercise. Tomorrow will start the attempted exercise bike. If my back can hold on for the 15 minutes then I will progress from there.

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